I made the decision, knowing full well the potential
consequences, to transition to Rebecca so I could live a life where I could be
myself. I have never questioned my decision. In a sense there was no decision
to be made; I simply could not continue living as a male. But I now find it
difficult to continue living as Rebecca because with the exception of my family,
I seem to have lost everything. Namely, I have lost the ability to support
myself because I am no longer employable. I literally can not get a job. I am
college educated, I served in the Military, I worked for the Department of
Energy for 11 years and worked for a major university for 11 years. And yet I
can not get a job. Any job. I have given up the hope of finding work in my
field; no matter how much experience I have, apparently it’s never enough. I have
applied and been turned down by retail stores. Retail stores. I just don’t get
it. I’m an intelligent person and can do these jobs if given the opportunity.
Now I’ve resorted to applying to fast food restaurants. They are literally my
last hope. I know my age is partly to blame; I’m certainly not the only one in
my age bracket struggling to find work. Apparently youth is valued more than
experience these days. I also feel that as soon as I open my mouth and start
talking I lose any hope of landing the job. Yes, I obsess about my voice, but I
have seen all too many times the reaction on people’s faces as soon as they
hear a voice which does not match my body. It doesn’t matter how qualified I am
or how well the interview goes, I never get an offer. The frustrating thing is
that I’m sure I would have gotten a job a long time ago if I had been
interviewing as a guy. I have no doubt about that. My unemployment ended last
month, so I can survive another month, maybe two. And then what? Returning to
Missouri is something I can’t do; I simply can’t go back to that life. I refuse
to be a burden on my family. I’m running out of options and time. Soon I won’t
be able to afford my anti-depressants or my hormones. That would be a death sentence.
It’s getting harder and harder to justify my existence. To be honest, I’m tired
of living this life, and I see no reason to believe things will ever change. I
want to live, but I can’t continue to keep struggling and dealing with this
pain day after day. But I refuse to put my family through the pain of a
suicide. So I’m stuck in limbo. Stuck in a life I no longer want to live in. I
chose to be Rebecca, but it appears I’m going to pay a steep price for that
decision.
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5 comments:
Dear Rebecca,
I wish i could sit down and talk with you woman to woman. I have experienced much of the same employment challenge and resulting economic difficulties.
I had worried that you hadn't posted in a while.
Don't be hard on yourself, I know I am passing but still a position eludes me. It is the nature of the long term recession we are in.
It is near impossible to wake up each day and be positive but you must, the alternative is too horrible.
Love
April
Dearest Rebecca,
April has said it about as succinctly as any one can. Life stinks for many of us just as it does for you. That doesn't make it any easier, does it?
All I can tell you is that I will be praying even harder for you just like I continue to pray for April and really... all of us.
You have my sincerest love and concern for a solution to this... please hang in there woman.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Cynthia
The alternative is to go back to living as a man and it's possible. I know because of done it.
It's just a role that you already know quite well. It might not be one any of us wants but then sometimes life doesn't give you what you want.
Hang in there and play the role you need to survive.
best wishes
Common T
Hi Rebecca,
I was absolutely crushed when I read this post today. As you know, I have been following your blog for years and I was so hopeful for you when you moved to Oregon.
Part of me, however, was saying that you moved to the wrong part of Oregon. I do think, and have always felt, that you need to live in a large city, which is trans-friendly. There are certainly more jobs available and you'll be, if read, just another trans person rather than being viewed as the neighborhood tranny in a conservative community. I hate the word, "tranny", btw, but that's how some of us are viewed in small, conservative towns.
On the West Coast, trans friendly cities include Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, and Sacramento. another bonus of living on one of these cities are the large support groups that exist.
Don't give up, Rebecca. You can de-transition, as anonymous suggests, and I wouldn't discount this option. Get a job as a male. Build up the bank account a bit, and then relocate to a community where you can blend in.
I know....easy for me to say.
I do wish you the best and will have you in my thoughts and prayers.
Calie xxx
I was so sorry to read this update and so sorry that life has become so hard for you.
You are in my prayers
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