I yam what I yam – Popeye
It is what it is. Life goes on. I’m in a bit of a conundrum. A sticky wicket. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please pardon all the clichés. Dare I say it…my life has become a cliché??? Perhaps not, it’s all as clear as mud.
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key
Already Gone
The Eagles
Yes indeed; truer words were never spoken.
What does it all mean?
I put on my happy face and try to be a good dad, because that’s who I am. That is my role in life. That is what defines me. Sadly, I feel like I’ve struggled with my own issues so much in the past decade that I’ve not been the kind of father I wanted to be, the kind of father my kids deserved. This is what hurts the most. Being a dad is what kept me going. Sadly they don’t remember when they were younger and we were happy and I was able to be a good dad. I don’t look at those pictures anymore because they make my heart ache.
Life goes on. There are good moments and not so good moments, but that’s life. I find happiness where I can. Summer is approaching which makes it easier to stay busy and focused. Busy is good because then I don’t think so much. Gardening is good therapy. Cooking is good therapy too, but at this rate I’ll end up weighing 300 pounds! And I’ve got to keep my girlish figure…or not…sigh…
I dug out my inline skates and resumed blading again. Its fun and a good workout. I’ve finally learned to skate backwards. I’m so proud. My life is now complete. No major wrecks or loss of skin yet, but that will probably change as I work on increasing my speed while going backwards.
I’m still growing out my hair, which is the last visible vestige of my failed attempt to be myself. Some days I’m tempted to cut it, when it feels all messy, but I can’t quite do it. I keep thinking, what if… I suppose hope springs eternal. What if…
My youngest son and I are going out for pizza tonight. If you’re ever in Columbia Missouri be sure to visit Shakespears Pizza. They have the best pizza and the most entertaining employees! There’s nothing like a good pizza pie to warm the soul and the innards!
And with that I bid you all a fond adieu. Until we meet again. Same bat-time, same bat-channel!
2 comments:
I too spent decades on the dark side, having just escaped I really feel for you. Young families do seem to be the biggest boulder on this road, I was both lucky and unlucky enough to not have children, I knew from the beginning it would be crazy for me to try and be a good parent when I couldn't even live my own life.
I hope you can hang on to some vestige of a Rebecca to see you through until such time as you can see the light again.
Caroline XXX
*hugs* girl. Glad you're getting by, these are some hard days ahead but you will find a way to get through them however you feel you need to. And you have friends just an IM away too =)
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