Life is good and I'm moving forward!

It’s been a while since I last posted anything, so I need to get caught up!

Things are going well and I’m feeling really good about myself and about life in general. I’m making progress towards being myself and being able to live the life I want to live.

My hair continues to grow longer, and I had an appointment last Friday to get it cut and styled into a more feminine look, but that would also work for guy mode. They had only scheduled me for 30 minutes, and the stylist wanted more time to figure out a style and to work with my hair, so she asked if I could come back Monday evening, which was fine with me. But then she got strep throat and my appointment had to be rescheduled to next Monday. I’m really excited to see what style she comes up with and to see how it turns out!

I’ve been wearing eyeshadow and mascara to work and when I’m out running errends every day for the past week and a half. The eyeshadow is a light beige so it’s pretty subtle, but it’s still noticeable if you look. I’ve been wearing it because I like how it makes my eyes look, and I enjoy feeling pretty. I’ve also trimmed and plucked my eyebrows so they’re nicely thinned and arched, and I really like how they look. And more importantly, I don’t even worry if other people notice or what they think. It’s a small thing, but it’s another step in learning to be myself.

I found a local endocrinologist who has lots of experience working with transsexuals and HRT, so I’m making an appointment with him for early October. I was never very comfortable with my psychiatrist prescribing me hormones, so I think I’ll feel more confident working with an endocrinologist. I’m also in a much better place in my life to where I know I’m ready to transition, and I’m more prepared this time. My earlier ill-fated attempt to transition at the beginning of the year was a mistake. I rushed into it before I was ready, and I was dealing with some unresolved issues and problems at that time. Working with a psychiatrist has helped to resolve the memory problems, and the depression is under control, and things at home have calmed down considerably. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. I think the main reason is because I feel good about myself, and I’m learning how to be me and to be comfortable with that.

I’m also going to start laser treatments for my facial hair soon, and I’m going to get my ears pierced again. But before I do any of those things I’m going to talk to my kids. I think it’s time they know, and I feel that I’m ready to open up to them. I’m still really scared about doing it, but I have faith that everything will be okay. I’ve always had close relationships with my sons and I know they love me, so I think we’ll be okay once they’ve had time to deal with the news and to understand more about it. I’ve written them letters which they’ll read and then we can talk about it. I know I’ll be really nervous and have trouble keeping my thoughts together, so I felt this was the best way to go. Here is the letter:

Dear - and -,
I have something I want to tell you, but please don’t worry because it’s nothing bad. It’s actually something good, although you may not think so at first. It will probably come as somewhat of a shock to you, and it will probably take time for you to adjust and feel okay about it.

This is kind of difficult to talk about, so please bear with me. I debated a long time whether to write a letter or just talk to you, but I know I’ll be extremely nervous and probably have a tough time remembering what I want to say, so I thought I would write you a letter to read and then we can talk about it.

First and most importantly, this does not change the fact that I love you and that you are the most important thing in my life. I will always be here for you and I will never stop loving you.

There has been something which I have struggled with my whole life. Literally my entire life. I have always felt like I never quite fit in, and I was never comfortable with myself and who I was. The reason for that is because I have always felt more feminine than male. Some of my earliest memories are feeling like I should have been a girl and wishing I hadn’t been born a boy. It has taken me 48 years to accept this and to be okay with it, so I don’t expect that you’re going to understand it and feel okay about it right away.

I have always known I was transgendered (a person who has a conflict with their gender identity). But after doing a lot of thinking about this over the last couple of years I decided I wanted help dealing with this, so, I found a therapist who had experience with transgendered people. She is a psychiatrist with over 30 years experience, including working with a lot of transgendered people. We talked a lot about my family and personal history, and about my gender issues. She confirmed what I already knew, that I had Gender Dysphoria and was transsexual (a person who feels their body doesn’t match how they see themselves and feel inside). I felt a huge sense of relief and happiness that I didn’t have to deny it anymore, but it was also scary. Over the years I had occasionally thought about the idea that I could be TS, but since doing anything about it was not an option I just put that thought in the back of my mind and went on with my life. So the feelings have always been there; it’s not like I suddenly had a revelation last week that I wanted to be a woman. It was always the circumstances of my life, and my problem with accepting who I was that prevented me from dealing with any of this. I just know that I can’t continue to avoid dealing with it and continue living a life where I feel so out of place and lost. I have spent my entire life trying to ignore this and trying to avoid dealing with it, but I can’t do that anymore. This isn’t something I chose; I was born this way. This is not something that will go away if I ignore it, having tried unsuccessfully to do that in the past. Sometimes I feel fortunate that I am like this because I feel like it’s made me a more well-rounded person, but other times I feel like it’s more of a curse, because it can cause a great deal of stress and it can make life very complicated. The most difficult part of all this has been accepting myself and feeling okay that this is who I am. I’ve struggled with this my entire life, but I feel like I’m finally making progress and accepting myself. I’ve always been overly sensitive to what other people think about me, and that has been a big issue for me to overcome in all areas of my life, and especially when it comes to this. But I’m finally learning that it doesn’t matter what other people think if they aren’t someone who is important to me or someone whose opinion I value. I need to do things for me and not let my fears dictate what I feel and do. I feel like I’m finally ready to be myself. I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, I just know I need to tell you and I need to be able to be myself, whoever that is. My biggest fear is that this will negatively affect our relationship, even though we’ve always had a good relationship and we love each other very much. Telling you about this is a huge step for me, but it’s also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I’ve never hated being a man; I just hated not being able to be myself. I’m still going to be the same person I’ve always been, even if I look a bit different on the outside. And hopefully I’ll be happier and easier to get along with now that I’m not having to hide who I am so much and I can be myself. And please don’t worry that I’ll do anything that would embarrass you, because that is one of my main concerns. You both are still my number one priority and I will make sure to always think about how this will affect you. There won’t be any drastic changes anytime soon, and we will talk about everything ahead of time before I make any big decisions.

I’m sorry I waited so long to talk to you about this, but please try to understand how difficult this is for me and why I was so scared to talk about it.

Please take as much time as you need to think about this and try to make sense of it. I will be here when you’re ready to talk, and I will answer whatever questions you have.

I love you.

Dad

I had hoped to talk to them this past weekend, but my oldest son wasn’t able to come over, so I’m hoping for sometime this week or this weekend. I’m not as nervous about it as I thought I’d be, mainly because I feel ready to do this now.

My ex-wife is coming out to Missouri to visit the kids next month, so that will be a good opportunity for me to tell her about transitioning. I’m not worried about telling her, I think she’ll handle it pretty well. I’m also hoping to make it out to California sometime this summer, so that will give me a chance to tell my sister, which I’m not the least bit worried about.

We’ve managed to get most of the garden planted, in spite of all the rain we’ve had. The tomatoes are blooming, so that’s exciting. Everything is doing well so far, but all this rain makes things more susceptible to fungal problems like blight, so that’s a concern. And we have moles and\or gophers which are destroying the backyard and have now gotten in the garden, so that’s a problem that needs to be addressed.