Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Despair
My ears have been pierced for ten weeks. Today I had a job interview, and I felt I needed to take my earrings out, just to be safe. I can't afford to take any chances on not getting this job. But I felt okay about it because I was sure they would be healed by now. I'd cleaned them with the antiseptic every day as instructed, and there were no problems during the past ten weeks. I went to put them back in six hours later, without any success. So I had a friend come over to see if she might have any better luck at it. She tried but said the holes have completely closed up. This is the second time this has happened. I give up. No more. Obviously for whatever reason I'm not meant to have pierced ears. I am so discouraged right now. I can't start laser like I'd planned, and every time I look in the mirror, which I try to avoid doing if at all possible, I feel so disgusted seeing the damn beard shadow. Even when I don't see it, I still know it's there. Just as I know my adams apple is there, which I also can't do anything about. I know it's stupid to get so upset about pierced ears, but it's just one more thing that isn't working. One more thing that I can't do anything about. Nothing in my life is going right. I might as well cut off my hair and grow a beard and give up this dream of ever being able to be myself. What's the point of it.
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11 comments:
I've felt that way many times. I've nearly given up. But you can't help being yourself...whether the beard is there or the holes in your ears close up. You are and will always be you. You don't need to try to be who you are, you are who you are. The beard can come off with time, the holes will eventually stay there (it took me a couple of tries in my right ear, ask Liz).
What will pass is this discouragement. You'll find the strength you need to get back on your feet again. A new day will dawn. Let the dark allow you to rest. The view in the morning is awesome.
Hi Rebecca.
That is good advice from Lori Grace. You might stop by Stana's site, http://www.femulate.org/), for some good ideas while you get your employment sorted out.
Best Wishes,
anne
Be strong, Rebecca. Life is a cycle of lows and highs. Perhaps you're at the bottom now. There's nowhere to go but up. Don't show your dispair in your job interviews. Act the part. You're happy and let the employer know that his job has YOUR name on it!
Calie xxx
*hugs* girl. I realize this is a low point right now but know there will be high points! And know that you are more than just earrings, you are a beautiful, kind-hearted woman, nobody can ever take that away from you. I hope that your journey becomes easier though.
Lori is right. I was there when she got her right ear pierced for the second? third? - anyway, the final time! Superhuman piercing healing powers isn't a sign of masculinity, though I understand it might feel that way. I have a very macho friend who works in our maintenance department, and he has tiny little delicate cross studs in both ears. I had my ears pierced for the first time when I was 47 (a few months after Lori, and yeah, she was 50% of the inspiration - the other 50% being that a close friend had gifted me with earrings not knowing my ears weren't pierced!) and I'm a relatively femme ciswoman in most other ways. My mother is over 80, and has never had pierced ears.
Although having pierced ears is something that seems like it will have a huge effect on the dysphoria, it sounds like you'll have to search for something else right now. There's a wide range of jewelry that is more easily worn and removed than earrings, and it doesn't have to be expensive. I've bought some of my favorite pieces for bids of less than a dollar on ebay.
I have a sense that I know how you feel right now. You were trapped in the center of a whirlpool, and you swam hard against the current to reach the edge of it. Just as you glimpsed the calm sea beyond the lip, you were dragged back downwards, and the sense of despair that all that hard swimming was in vain is overwhelming you. It feels like it will be easier to curl up in the misery of the center of the whirlpool again than to face the renewed struggle to the edge, even though you desperately want to escape the whirlpool completely and float on that peaceful ocean beyond. Although I have never felt gender dysphoria or the tug of transition, I have had other times in my life where I needed to escape that whirlpool, and the end result always made the struggle worth it, no matter how many times I was sucked back down.
I wish you the very best, Rebecca. I feel your despair keenly. And perhaps you could follow the example of my friend Steve - a couple of tiny crosses glinting against your ear lobes will either be seen by a prospective employer as a sign of extreme religious homage, or not seen at all!
Rebecca, I too have days when I lose all hope and I wonder "at 54, what the HELL do I think I'm doing"? But those days do pass are they are replaced by how I usually feel since I started my transition: joy that after a lifetime of refusing to acknowledge who I really was, I am finally becoming "me".
I will never look like the woman I might have been if I had transitioned earlier, but I am so thankful that I didn't wait longer. Whatever may lay ahead of me, it will be a future of my own choosing.
Karen
PS. One night, 6 weeks after I had my ears pierced, they almost closed after 12 hours. By 4 months they were fine. Hang in there!
Thank you all for your comments and your encouragement. Your support and friendship means the world to me.
I know the pierced ears are not very important in the big scheme of things, but it’s one of those things that carries a lot of meaning for me, and it was just so discouraging to have the holes close up again, especially on top of everything else going on in my life. Every time I feel or see my ears now it just brings tears to my eyes. I’ve wanted pierced ears since I was a kid, and the holes closing up again is just so symbolic of all that has gone wrong lately. Lori is right that what matters is who I am on the inside, regardless of what I look like on the outside, but it’s so painful to look at myself and see a male staring back at me, and to be unable to do anything about it. I’m just really struggling right now to deal with everything. But I’m still doing what I need to do and being prepared when I have interviews. I feel like I’m just going through the motions now, but I guess that’s better than nothing. Sonora’s whirlpool analogy perfectly described what I’m feeling now. What scares me is the feeling that it would be easier to just stop fighting and let the whirlpool take me down. I’m just really scared right now.
Hi Rebecca,
Hope you re feeling better today. In know how bad it can feel. I wish I had the words to help you as I would listen to them myself when I am in a depressive spiral.
Best I can come up with is do something else that you love, reading, gardening anything even if it takes super human strenth to get up from the floor.
Think about those little feminine things you can do going forward.
And tomorrow is another day.
Thinking of you.
Hugs,
April
Dear Rebecca,
this post prompted me to set an old video I recorded a long time ago from private to public just for you. You might have seen it posted on my old blog, but I want you to watch it and understand you're not alone in the feelings of hopelessness and despair. Please copy and paste this address into your browser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrNB2LmsTzc
I recorded this video around 3 in the morning after an intensely dysphoric period in my transition. I sat in the bath for hours prior to this nearly hating myself for those extra parts and physical features I had that just did not reflect who I was inside. Liz, one of my best friends, was there for me online that night and she has shown me that even cis women can and do understand because even cis women struggle with their minds and bodies to a degree.
I think you still have my email address. Feel free to write. I'm willing to just listen.
Your reflection WILL show who you are inside some day. You've seen glimpses of it. Don't EVER give up hope. We're behind you sister.
Lori
@Lori - Bless you, girl, for re-posting that video. Now, I need to dry my eyes...
@Rebecca - You're at the top of my "thinking of you" list.
Calie xxx
Sometimes we all get like this... I know I do. I wish I could offer some great words of encouragement but even though I don't know you I think the best thing is to just give you a hug so...
*HUGS*
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