I'm still here

I haven’t posted much lately because there has been nothing positive going on in my life worth posting about and I’ve been trying get away from negative posts. As they say, if you have nothing good to say then it’s better to just say nothing at all. Hence all the pictures I’ve been posting recently. But I figured it was time for another update, regardless of how depressing it is. I’m still jobless. I continue to apply for jobs which I’m qualified for and which I have experience doing, but the interviews are few and few between. The interviews I have had went well, at least in my opinion, but still no job offers. I’ve been working with a career counselor at the university and she said my resume and cover letter looked great, and she’s given me some good advice about new directions to go with my job search. But here I am still without a job. I had a phone interview about two weeks ago which I thought went very well and I was sure I’d get called in for a face-to-face interview the following week, but the call never came, and that really shot down my last bit of optimism and self-confidence. I’ve now reached the point where foreclosure and bankruptcy are inevitable. I’m hoping to make it to next summer when my youngest son will have graduated and gone off to college. Then the implosion begins. My oldest son will be moving back home in the next week or two, along with his girlfriend, two dogs, and eight puppies. They’re doing it to help me out financially, and it means so much to me that they’re willing to do that. But I feel incredibly guilty about it because they’re sacrificing so much to do this and I know it won’t be easy for them. I’ve tried to talk them out of it, but they insist they want to do this. But last night they came over to drop off a few boxes and I could see how difficult this is for his girlfriend and it made me feel so bad. I feel like I’m causing so much stress for my family and am dragging them down with me, especially my youngest son. It breaks my heart seeing what this is doing to him, and I feel so guilty because I can’t seem to pull myself out of this and be stronger for him. I hate that I’ve caused my family so much pain. I know this is such a tired and worn out cliché, but I feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around. I have long since ceased to be a productive member of society, and I’m failing miserably as a parent. The only way I have left to contribute now is to hold on to the house until my son graduates, so I guess it helps to have that as a goal to keep me going since I’ve given up hope that I’ll be able to get through this and recover. My transition is pretty much dead, along with any hope I had for a future. Without money and with my credit ruined I’ll have no hope of ever going past the point where I’m at now. I’m sinking deeper and deeper into depression with each passing day, and the medications and therapy aren’t helping much. I don’t think I’m so far gone that I can’t manage some level of objectivity and to look at my situation and be realistic about accessing it. After nearly seven months of applying for jobs I have no reason to be optimistic about getting hired anytime soon. I’ve worked hard for years to reach the point where I’d be financially able to make ends meet after my youngest son left home, and I was on track to do that, but not anymore. Add to that the car repairs, the water heater needing to be replaced, all the medical bills that my insurance didn’t pay, the damage to my roof, and all the other unplanned expenses I’ve had, and my finances are a wreck. Even if I were to get a job today which paid what I made at my last job I’d still lose the house next year. My credit will be ruined after foreclosure, which negatively impacts my chances of finding a job and a place to rent. The best case scenario would be living paycheck to paycheck in a cruddy apartment where I wouldn’t feel safe. And with my finances in such bad shape and my credit ruined I wouldn’t be able to afford any of the costs associated with transitioning. I see no way of recovering from this financially. I can’t see the depression getting any better under those circumstances. And I will not go back to living as a guy. I’m running out of options. I made a promise that I would not kill myself because I would never do that to my family, but to be honest, I’ve lost the will to live, so that means I’m stuck, again. It just shouldn’t be so difficult to live. All my energy goes to just surviving, which leaves no time to find any enjoyment out of life. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I don’t understand how it got to be this difficult. And I’m just so tired and worn out.

Sorry that this is so depressing to read. I really don’t have anyone I can talk with about all this, so this is the only place where I can let it all out. As always, I appreciate all the supportive comments.

Tomorrow I’ll post some pictures of the puppies that my son’s dog had. They’re real cuties!