Random thoughts...

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about not having someone to share my life with. I’ve intentionally avoided being in a relationship for quite a while for obvious reasons, but I’m tired of being alone. Life is so much more fulfilling when you have someone to share it with. To be honest, I’m not sure whether I’m attracted to men or women, but I figure that will resolve itself over time. Being pre-op for the foreseeable future presents obvious problems when it comes to dating, and I don’t know how to deal with that issue. The first step is to just get out more and be more sociable and meet new people, which is not easy for me being as introverted as I am. I figure if I meet someone then I’ll just see how it plays out, but I want to make sure I don’t intentionally deceive anyone and cause either of us to get hurt because of that. This is uncharted territory for me and I feel like I’m floundering around without a map. But I also have the confidence to be okay with that and to know that I’ll eventually find my way.

All in all I couldn’t be happier with my life right now. There are a few issues that will need to be dealt with in the coming months, but I’m not too stressed about that. I look back at how much has changed in just the past year and I’m astounded to see where I am now. Sometimes at random moments it hits me that I’m living the life I always wanted, and that I can blend into society and just be me. I sometimes get stares or people calling me sir, but it really doesn’t bother me much at all, which is quite an accomplishment for me. I used to be so scared when I went out and worried about what everyone else would think. I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a person and gained a lot of confidence in myself.

I also think that coming out to everyone and not having to hide anymore has made a big difference in my life. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I no longer have to watch what I say to certain people and worry whether someone is going to say something to the wrong person. And telling my mom was a very big relief. Next to my kids she was the person who matters the most and the one I was most concerned about telling. But that went well, so everything is good.

I was looking at some of my older blog posts and my writing has changed a lot since I first started blogging. My recent posts all seem to be “I did such and such and it makes me feel…”, whereas my older posts were more in depth and insightful. I seem to have become more superficial in my writing, which bothers me. I’ve always loved to write and I felt like I was good at expressing myself in words, so I wonder what caused that to change. I know when I was unemployed last year I often found it difficult to feel inspired to write, so I wonder if that has carried over. But there have been so many important and meaningful events that have occurred over the past several years, so why have I had trouble writing about those?

Well, I’ve rambled on enough for one day. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!