Changing course

I have decided to stop transitioning. It was not an easy decision, and I feel like I’m letting myself down by giving up, but I just can’t do it right now. This doesn’t change how I feel, that I know I’d be happier as a woman. But even under the best of circumstances I don’t know that I would have had the strength to do it. I have even more respect for those of you who are and have transitioned, and are living the life you want. You are all amazing people.

The past couple of years I started having some memory problems, but assumed they were just part of the normal aging process and didn’t give it much thought. But things have gotten a lot worse in the past year:

Repeatedly ask the same questions over and over (if the my son has homework, what we need at the store, etc)

Often can’t remember what we just talked about (within seconds or minutes sometimes)

Consistently can’t find the words I’m looking for when talking, or I say the wrong word, and often end sentences before completing thought or finishing what I was going to say

Frequently losing my train of thought and don’t know what I was going to do. Thoughts come and go, like my memory is is a switch that gets flipped on and off at random times.

Can’t focus on more than one thing at a time and can’t multi-task anymore. I literally can not talk on the phone and do anything esle at the same time. Just talking on the phone is hard enough, trying to follow the conversation.

Can’t write as well as before; words don’t flow and can’t seem to express my thoughts (I started writing a novel several years ago and had the whole thing outlined and had writen over 70 pages, but eventually gave up because I could no longer express what I wanted to say or find the words I wanted. And no, it wasn't writers block - I knew what I wanted to write, I just couldn't figure out how to say it the way I wanted). i won't even say how long it takes me to compose a blog entry.

Can’t understand complex things anymore such as putting things together or helping my son with his homework. I can’t process information like I used to. Could not assemble a basketball goal or a headboard even though I'd assembled those things numerous times before without any problem. Looking at the diagrams was like trying to read Greek; it made no sense to me.

Have trouble remembering to pay bills on time; even when using a calendar and posting reminder notes. I had NEVER done that before.

Have trouble cooking, such as messing up recipes fairly regularly; turn on wrong burners or forget to turn them off

Sometimes forget whether I’ve washed my hair while still in the shower

Driving is more difficult, have to concentrate more, have difficulty judging distance; sense of direction is worse.

Have trouble making decisions and getting things done and getting things organized.

Having problems at work focusing and have made more mistakes than usual

Keep losing my patience with my son; have had trouble getting along with him lately, which never used to happen.

I know all the things listed above are things that happen to everyone from time to time, but many of these are happening to me on a daily basis. I know what my vocabulary used to be and how well I was able to express myself, and how i was able to think and process information, and the things I used to be able to do. I know myself well enough to know that something is wrong.

I finally talked with my doctor about this several months ago and he referred me to a neurologist. All the lab tests, MRI, and EEG were normal, and then I had a full day of cognitive testing. Today I got the results of my cognitive testing, and it was sort of a mixed bag of results. Some of the results were borderline, so there was not enough to make a definitive diagnosis, but it showed that there is a problem. So, I see the neurologist Tuesday to figure out where we go from here.

In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have made the decision to transition when I did, but I didn’t think the memory and thinking problems would turn out to be such a big issue. And i suppose I got caught up in my new-found self-acceptance and wanted to start living the life I'd always wanted. It’s kind of ironic that I finally reached the point to where I accepted who I am and made enough progress to where I felt I was ready to begin transitioning, only to have this happen.

Lately things have gotten even worse. Last week I couldn’t remember how to lock my computer at the end of the day, even though I’ve done that every day for the past ten years. I told my son I would take him to a certain store but ended up driving to the wrong store in a different part of town without even realizing it.

I’d been thinking about whether or not to continue with the transition, but my decision was made a lot easier after what happened this past weekend. There were several incidents when I had significant problems with my memory or comprehension and it was very upsetting and I felt extremely embarrassed and upset and basically just felt crushed. But the worst part is that two days later I could not for the life of me remember what happened. I know where two of them happened and bits and pieces of my reaction, but not what happened. I still can’t remember.

I feel the worst about how difficult it’s been for my son because I’ve been so hard to get along with lately. We’ve always been very close and had a great relationship and gotten along really well, so this is not normal for me. I just don’t feel like myself anymore.

I’m scared to death about this. I’m a single parent and have to be able to take care of my youngest son who still lives at home, although sometimes I feel like he takes care of me more than I take care of him these days.

I don’t know what this means for my blog; lately I haven’t felt much like Rebecca, or for that matter George. I have come to feel like a member of this wonderful community, and I have made some friends that mean a great deal to me. I would like to continue those friendships and remain a part of this community, even if my path has taken a different direction.

I debated whether or not to talk about this, but i wanted to exaplin why i haven't been around much and what was going on.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, but that's okay because I've always tended to write things that were long and rambling!

Hugs,
Me