Soul-mate. Some people believe, and some don’t. In my younger years I wasn’t very romantic and didn’t spend much time thinking of such things. I married and later divorced. And then I met my soul-mate. I believed. I felt alive. I was loved and in love. My emotions were heightened and it was like experiencing everything for the first time. Life was amazing. Colors were brighter. There was an extra bounce in my step. Song lyrics seemed to be written for us. It was wonderfully exciting to find cards which seemed to express exactly what I was feeling, almost as if they were written just for us. Love was in the air. My heart was hers. We talked endlessly about everything and nothing. The simple act of holding her hand was something special. Our hugs were nothing short of magical, with our bodies molding together into one. I would have been perfectly content to spend the rest of my life just holding her, with my face nuzzled close to her neck, and my fingers running through her silky hair. We were waiting in line at a bank one day just holding each other, when an elderly woman smiled at us and said we looked so happy and in love. I’ll never forget that. I’ve spent more time talking and pouring out my thoughts in writing to her than anyone else. She could see inside me and knew what was in my heart. My heart was hers and her heart was mine. She was a friend who helped me through some rough times, and I was there for her when she needed help. We were best friends. We were going to spend our lives together. Unfortunately she lived in California and I lived in Missouri. We tried our best. I couldn’t move from Missouri because of the divorce custody agreement, and she couldn’t leave California. We each needed more than the circumstances allowed. We just needed to wait and hold on. We tried, oh how we tried. She needed someone who could be there with here. I couldn’t be that person for her at that point. She met someone else. She later married. My heart broke. There are choices to be made, and she made her choice. Stability over love. It took me years to get past the hurt and pain. For a long time I wouldn’t date because there would never be another her; never be anyone who I felt the same way about; never be anyone who held that special place in my heart. If I couldn’t be with my soul-mate I wasn’t willing to settle for anyone else. But I eventually relented and took a few tentative steps back into the world of dating. I dated and was in a few relationships. But I never felt that special spark with anyone else. I gave it a chance. Did I have unreasonable expectations and impossibly high standards? Perhaps initially, but I put her behind me and gave the new relationships a chance. There is no anger or bitterness anymore. We’re still close friends and we stay in touch. She still knows me better than anyone. Sometimes she lets a stray thought slip through her armor and she tells me she misses me, misses us. Hearing that makes my heart ache, but only for a moment. Life goes on. I’m okay as long as I don’t get a whiff of her perfume (Happy), which still makes my heart skip a few beats…
Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I honestly don’t know the answer to that anymore. I guess it depends on what day you ask me.
2 comments:
I have been in that situation, where you meet someone and there is that spark of connection and congruity. Unfortunately, for me anyway, there is also a need for physical contact and proximity. I was never good at long distance relationships. I need to touch and to hold. And I need someone to hold me. But in our lives there is also a place for friends where our closeness transcends ordinary friendship. And many times those may be more enduring.
Awww girl you made me cry. I know that feeling. There was a girl in high school who I felt like this for...we never dated but we were very close. Now she totally accepts me as a close gf which is great. But I do often wonder about someone out there meant for me (of course now I think of them being male =)
*hugs*
<3Jerica
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