A while back my dad mentioned to my sister something about needing to talk to us about his 401K, which I assume was in reference to what our inheritance would be. I don’t want to come off as being presumptuous or for him to assume I worry about whether we’ll get any sort of inheritance, because that’s not the case at all. Anyway, when she mentioned that it got me to thinking about whether he might consider giving me an advance in order to get my facial surgery done. I would just ask him for a loan but I realistically would have no way to pay him back in a reasonable amount of time given my financial situation. And I know many of you might feel that the money could be better used for other things considering my financial situation, but at this point it’s pretty much sink or swim; either I get a job soon or I go through foreclosure and bankruptcy, there’s really no in-between. And that doesn’t change the fact that this surgery is something I need in order to maintain my sanity. As I mentioned in a previous letter I sent to him, I can’t go back to living as a guy, and I can’t remain stuck being neither male nor female, which is exactly where I’m at now. If I get the surgery at least I can move forward with this part of my life and live as a woman, and be better able to deal with the other problems. The unemployment and financial problems are somewhat out of my control right now, but at least I can do something about the gender stuff, if I had the money for the facial surgery.
At the very least I would like to get a tracheal shave to reduce the size of my adam’s apple, because without this procedure there is no way I can ever live full-time as a woman since my adam’s apple is so prominent. I’d also like to get a nose job because I have a rather large masculine looking nose. These procedures would allow me to look much more feminine and give me a better chance to live a normal life.
I know all this doesn’t make sense to him and that he probably doesn’t understand why I feel this surgery is so urgently needed and why it’s so important to me. Hopefully he’ll get a better understanding if I explain how every time someone calls me “sir” it hurts, a lot, because in my mind I shouldn’t be called “sir” because I’m not a male; I’m a female and should be called m’am. But with this large adam’s apple it makes it obvious that I was born male, and make it’s impossible to pass, especially during the summer when it’s impractical to wear a turtleneck or a scarf. I feel like I’m walking around with giant neon sign hanging around my neck which says “GUY”, and that makes it extremely distressing to look in the mirror or be seen in public. I’ve reached the point where I feel very uncomfortable wearing guy clothes now, but without the facial surgery I can’t pass as a woman, so I’m stuck in the middle, which is a miserable place to be. And all this has caused the gender dysphoria to get worse lately, which is the last thing I need on top of everything else right now. I feel like my adam’s apple is the only thing holding me back from going full-time, aside from my promise to my youngest son that I’ll still be in male mode for him when we’re out in public together.
I just have a really hard time asking anyone for help, and I wouldn’t ask him to consider this if there were any other way. The only other option I can see is to put the surgery on a credit card knowing that it’s almost certain that I’ll be declaring bankruptcy within the next year, but I can’t bring myself to do that because it’s just not right. Although it might reach the point where I have no alternative but to go that route, because I need to get the adam’s apple taken care of one way or another.
So, I would really appreciate any thoughts and opinions you might want to share about this. Thanks.
Rebecca
4 comments:
Without straying into the familial waters, I can tell you that any early withdrawals from a 401(k) will be taxed *very* heavily.
It's really quite astonishing how much the tax on that sort of thing is! The usual process is 10% immediate withholding and "you solve the deficit all on your own" sized bill in April.
And without getting into the morality of the whole thing, I have heard it said that bankruptcy lawyers sometimes advice clients to buy some big ticket items before filing (cars, white goods, etc). Not because they're trying to get the client into more trouble, but because it's the last chance they'll have for awhile to buy a car, or whatever. The best thing I can say on all of that is: consult a lawyer. (I have a lot of doubt you'll get one who understands both gender issues/law and bankruptcy!)
Good luck.
Thanks for your reply Carolyn Ann.
My dad is in his mid-70s and retired, so if he makes a withdrawal it wouldn't be considered early would it?
You just have to love the good folks at the IRS!
I've put off consulting a lawyer in hopes that I wouldn't need to, but it's looking like bankruptcy will be in my future, so I suppose I need to get on that. The most I would let myself do is charge the facial surgery and get some repairs done on my car. It's so frustrating because I would have had my two credit cards paid off by now if I hadn't lost my job.
Rebecca, I wouldn't do it. You could stand the chance of being disinherited.
Surgery right now, and I so understand why you want it, is not another complication you need in your life. If you get a job, it won't look good to be out of work for a week or more. If you haven't yet gotten that job, it will take you off of the job market for a week or more.
I know there are others who will disagree with me, but my personal opinion is to interview and get the job as a male and then settle in, get in their good graces, and THEN focus on becoming the person you born to be.
Just my two cents worth.
Calie xxx
I have to respectfully disagree with Calie - you only have one life to live. Ask him. The unemployment and financial situations will eventually sort themselves out one way or another. Having the surgeries you need now, to not only give you the self-esteem and courage you need to continue this journey, will only make everything that comes after them easier. There ARE worse things than regrets. Letting your life pass you by because you don't have the courage to live it on your own terms being one.....move forward...always.
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