Thursday, January 20, 2011
Acceptance, denial, or a change of heart?
I have followed Alexandra Young’s blog for the past two years and had previously read all her early posts, but I’ve been reading it again after it was featured on T-Central. I periodically re-read some blogs, and lately I’ve been reading ones that cover transitioning, since my own perspective has changed as I’ve progressed with my own transition. Alex writes very eloquently and isn’t afraid to share her feelings and experiences, and her posts often hit home with me and get me to reexamine things with a new perspective. In short, her blog gets me to think and examine my own thoughts and feelings. Tonight I read through the months immediately before and after her SRS. I’ve read a lot of blogs which have described the SRS experience and expressed thoughts and feelings, but reading what Alex felt when she woke up after her surgery brought me to tears. She expressed her feelings so beautifully, and it was almost as if I could feel it too. But then I realized I’ll probably never get to experience what it feels like to wake up after SRS. The reality is that I simply don’t have the money and probably never will, and I had accepted that and thought I was okay with it. But tonight after reading what Alex wrote and then realizing I’d never get to experience the joy and relief she felt, it hit me hard and I felt a deep sense of loss and sadness. I’m at a loss as to why I feel so differently now after all these years of accepting the reality of the situation. Have I not been honest with myself about how I really feel about having GRS? Have I been using that blind acceptance as a way to avoid honestly dealing with it? Have I changed? It’s very unsettling to not understand this. Coming to terms with the fact that I was transsexual was a long process, during which I spent many years telling myself that being transsexual was not an option, thus giving me a reason to avoid thinking about it and dealing with it. Have I been doing the same thing with this? I believe I have to a certain extent, but I also think my feelings about it may have changed as my transition has progressed. But the reality is still the same, that barring something miraculous, I will never have GRS. And that leaves me feeling really sad.
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7 comments:
I know how you feel. I've come to the same conclusion myself for a variety of reasons. I just wish there was a magic wand you know.
I know we aren't very far away and if you are ever "in the Loo" (St Louis) drop me a line or post a message on my blog and we can get together and chat.
I have another f2m transgendered friend. If I'm ever out your way I'll do the same.
Tashi Delek!
PS. How was your snow? We got dumped on - big time!
Alex has a very special place in my heart. She was the first person - ever - that I told I was trans. I just dumped it all on her and she actually replied. That period was the lowest point of my life...about 4 years ago. She worked through things with me and I so appreciate it.
I remember when she had her SRS. I cried afterwards. It really affected me with similar feelings as you currently have. The difference, Rebecca, is that I have resigned myself to not transitioning but you have your whole life ahead of you. The economy will get better. Once you get a job - and you will - pay off those bills that must be paid and just start stashing some money away for the eventual surgery. You must always have a goal to achieve...a light at the end of the tunnel.
Calie xxx
Rebecca, I know even the suggestion is out of reach just at the moment, but an affordable part way solution is an orchiectomy. I am not sure even now I will ever get a final GRS operation, I live in hope. I guess I will believe it when I see it.
Losing the testicles is such a great relief and comfort. knowing that I don't have to use antiandrogens for life is also reassuring. If this is as far as I ever managed to go I will be quite content. It is less than ideal but as someone who doesn't have to go out into the world and find another partner this compromise is not too bad and I'm surprised more people don't take advantage of this option.
I am happy for all those who succeed with their plans for GRS and the life they achieve but it is still a very small number of us who finally get through to the very end.
Oh Rebecca.
I am soooo sorry to read about your situation, and I have to say it upsets me a bit to know that my words have caused you such distress.
I write what I do purely because I genuinely believe my true life experiences will help others, whether they fully transition or not. I also like to document and make it clear that it is purely my own experiences, and it may not turn out that way for others taking a similar path. However, I do read lots of stuff that is said to represent us all, and that simply is just not true when compared to my own experiences. So, I like to give my own account, and let others take from my blogged words what they will.
I have friends from all walks of life, which includes transpeople at various staged of transition, or non-transition. To me, they are all fantastic people, who to me are exactly what they say they are.....regardless as to what labels others within society may wish to peg on them.
Rebecca, you are the woman you see yourself to be, regardless as to what amount of surgery you eventually have. You are also allowed to change your mind as your feelings on the journey of life change. I have changed hugely over the years on my own journey, and even yet I surprise myself on how things still seem to be changing (not just physically, but mentally, and to the very soul of my being).
I wish with all my heart that you can obtain that of which you come to desire most in life hunni. Money is sadly a huge governing factor when it comes to surgery for transpeople, and I know as much as anyone else just how important surgery can become on the path to being or feeling complete.
All I can say is keep a little hope in your heart, and one day your fortunes may change when you least expect it. In the mean time, live the life as best you can, by just being you.
Alex. x
Lady Jane:
If you ever find that magic wand be sure to let me know! I’ll probably make it to STL at some point this summer, and we’ll definitely have to get together. We had eight inches of snow, so things were a mess for a few days, but everything is back to normal now, at least until the next storm!
Calie:
I can definitely understand why you think so highly of Alex. Although she does seem to have a knack for making people cry! (Just kidding Alex!) In case I’ve never told you, I so admire you for your decision to put your family ahead of your own needs. That speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
Caroline:
An orchiectomy is an option to consider, although I probably couldn’t afford that either! I was really surprised when I read what a small percentage of us actually do have GRS. It’s a shame that so often it comes down to money, and that insurance usually won’t pay for anything. Hopefully some day that will change.
Dear Alex,
Your words absolutely did not cause me any distress, so please don’t feel bad about what I wrote. Now you’re making me feel bad! I cried because what you wrote touched me so deeply; they were tears of happiness about what you had experienced. As I wrote earlier, your blog makes me think and examine my own feelings and thoughts, and I thank you for that. Don’t ever apologize or feel bad for writing something that gets people to think and feel, because isn’t that one of the reasons we write a blog, to share a part of ourselves and hopefully touch someone and make a difference in their lives? And your blog, my dear Alex, has touched me and made a difference in my life.
Reading about your GRS helped me get in touch with my own feelings, and I discovered they had changed. For me GRS had been always been a non-issue simply because it just wasn’t going to happen for me. But low and behold, after I began thinking about what GRS meant to me instead of ignoring it, I came to the realization that my feelings had indeed changed. It was more important to me than I realized, and that hit me like a ton of bricks. I did cry out of sadness and frustration over realizing I would probably never get to experience what you did, but I cry about a lot of things these days, so that in itself is not unusual! I did a lot of thinking to try and understand why my feelings about GRS had changed so drastically, and I feel like that was one more step forward in figuring out who I am. So it’s all good Alex! If I’m supposed to get GRS and it’s meant to be then it will happen, and if not, then life goes on and I’ll deal with it. I know that each of us has our own unique path we follow as we go through this journey, and one is not better than the other. As you said, I just need to live the best life I can and be me. Regardless of which parts I have down below, I’m still me and that doesn’t change who I am on the inside. And I’ll always have hope that perhaps some day I’ll be able to have GRS.
I hope I explained things well enough so that you don’t feel bad anymore. You’re a special person Alex, and I’d hate to think I caused you any distress!
Hugs,
Rebecca
Thanks for confirming this Rebecca, as I really do hate causing anyone any distress by what I say. I do indeed not feel bad any more.
I said more in a private mail to you, but I will say that I truly wish with all my heart that you eventually obtain fully happiness. I can tell you are a true soul (much as my other lovely friend Calie is) who deserves so much more than is being passed your way at the moment.
I do feel that one day, your day will come......and I can't wait to read that very happy blog posting when you make it hunni.
Alex. x
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