Feeling down today

I'm feeling really down today. My oldest son has been dealing with a bunch of problems the past couple of weeks and he's very discouraged about the direction his life has taken and frustrated that he's had to deal with so many problems lately. I really worry about him, especially during times like this. I've been trying to get him in to see a psychiatrist because I think he's depressed and he has trouble controlling his anger at times, but I've been unable to get him in because of his work schedule. I know he's old enough to make his own decisions and be responsible for the consequences of those decisions, but it's tough as a parent to see your children struggle. I talk with him on a regular basis about making better decisions and to not make things more difficult for himself, but it hasn't done much good, which frustrates me to no end. I'm frustrated that I don't have the money to help him through some of these problems and that I couldn't provide a better life for him. And yes, I know I can't always bail him out financially, but as a parent you hate to see your kids struggle, and it's worse when you're unable to help.

I feel sad and frustrated that I can't experience the happiness I should be feeling as I transition and work towards a new life. This should be a time of wonder and excitement as the real me emerges and I find my way in the world. But all I feel are stress and fear and frustration. I worry if I'll ever get to experience a life as Rebecca where I can just live and be happy.

I feel encouraged that there are more job opportunities now that we're past the holidays, and that I'm getting more interviews. I'm trying to remain hopeful that I'll find a job soon. But the worries about what will happen if I don't find a job in the next few months are never far from my mind.

My voice has been really rough and scratchy for a while now, almost like I'm losing my voice, which is frustrating since I had made so much progress and was really pleased with it a few months ago. And it's not from over-doing it; I cut back on practicing for a while to see if rest would help, and then I just stopped working on it altogether for a couple of weeks out of frustration. One step forward and two steps back.

I was also thinking about how people I considered to be good friends have all but disappeared lately. I've always tried to be there for them when they've struggled or needed someone to talk to or just someone to listen, but it's become obvious that I can't count on their support when I most need it. I realize most people have busy lives and their own issues to deal with, and that I'm not exactly the life of the party these days, but that shouldn't matter. My family has been supportive, and so have all of you, but it still hurts to not have the support and friendship of people I thought I could count on.

I'm just down in the dumps today and letting things bother me more than I should. But mostly I'm just tired of the constant stress and uncertainty. I just want my life back, and the chance to be happy again. Oh well; time to quit whining and get cracking. Those clothes in the dryer aren't going to fold themselves.

Thanks for listening.