This is my first entry! I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately which has been a big help in so many ways, so a great big thank-you to all the blog writers out there! I figured it would be nice to join the blogosphere and hopefully make some new friends.
Since I love to garden I’ll put this in gardening terms. I think the seeds for Rebecca have been planted since I was born, but up to now they’ve been below the surface slowly germinating, waiting for the right time to break through the surface. This was the year they finally broke through, and now Rebecca is starting to blossom (is that why some people call me a blooming idiot???). My journey is just beginning and I’m not entirely sure where I’m headed, but I feel good that I’m at least moving forward and taking steps to figure this out.
A bit of background about me:
I’ve been a life-long CD (my earliest memory of dressing being around age 4) and have always wished that I had been born a girl. I dressed as often as I could and always welcomed the feeling of being at peace that I experienced while dressed. I eventually married and had a family, and had to be content to dress when the opportunity arose. I occasionally thought about the idea that I could be TS, but doing anything about it was not an option at that point so I sort of put that thought in the back of my mind and went on with my life. I struggled a long time with accepting this part of myself, but over the past year or two I’ve come to accept that this is who I am and I feel the need to explore this further to figure out who I am and where I fit into the transgender spectrum. I’ve done a lot of thinking and taken a long look at myself, and decided I needed to be honest about what I felt. Deep down I think I always knew I was TS but was afraid to admit it to myself. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately and have found so many similarities in my life that are expressed with regularity on so many of the blogs. I’ve been looking for a therapist who had experience dealing with transgendered people and finally found one, and had my first appointment with her two weeks ago. She is a psychiatrist with over 30 years experience, including working with a lot of transgendered people, and I felt comfortable with her right away. We talked about my family and personal history, and also about my cross-dressing and feelings about that. Near the end of the session she said she felt I had GID and was TS and asked if I had thought about starting hormones and that we could start as soon as I felt ready. To say I felt a flood of emotions would be an understatement. I felt a huge sense of relief and happiness that I didn’t have to deny it anymore, but I was also rather shocked that she would suggest HRT so soon. I asked about this and she said she felt certain about her diagnosis and that she didn’t see any reason to drag out the process and make it overly complicated. This made sense but I’m still a little concerned that we’re going too fast. I told her I wanted to think about it, so she scheduled my lab work and we’re going to talk more about it at my next appointment in three weeks. To be honest I had thought a lot about transitioning prior to seeing her and whether it was feasible, and came up with a possible time-line. I want to do it but there are many obstacles such as money, and my youngest son still living at home. My initial plan was to use the two years until he graduates from high school to do as much as I could without going full-time, and without disrupting my kid’s lives since they don’t know about this part of me. I’ve checked into laser hair removal and have been working on my feminine voice, among other things. I just hadn’t thought that HRT would be an option so soon. The physical changes would be nice, but only when the time is right, but I’m more interested in the mental and emotional changes. It’s amazing and exciting to think that I could feel at peace with myself and comfortable in my own skin. The therapist suggested we could start out on a low dose of hormones to see how that goes, and I think that’s what I’d like to do. But, I’m still sort of concerned that she’s willing to put me on HRT so quickly, but I’m not sure if my concern is legitimate or if this just me being scared and hesitant to take such a big step. I’ve lived my whole life being scared to deal with this, and I can’t continue to do that. I know that I’m a TS and that I want to transition, and I have given this a lot of thought so I don’t feel like I’m jumping into something I’m not prepared for. This isn’t to say I don’t understand how difficult transitioning will be, and who knows if anyone is fully prepared to do it. But if keep waiting until I think everything is perfect and all the stars are aligned and all my ducks are in a row, then I’ll be waiting forever and will be still be in the same spot I’m at now. So, that’s where I’m at.
11 comments:
First of all, WELCOME to one of the may blogging and social networking platforms among the multitudes out there!
I know you asked about this issue a week ago, but I haven' t had a chance to respond. Since you made this question public, I'm going to throw in my two cents here:
I personally think your therapist, though having a lasting history of working with trans people, may be trying to push too fast. If she stuck with the Standards of Care, she'd be a bit off track. That being said, I'm glad that we humans aren't mere robots who so easily follow direct commands. We are complex creatures who should be using the SOC as a guideline and not the letter of law. I'm assuming she thinks she knows you're "that far" enough to be able to start HRT.
My concern with all that, however, is that it's not about whether she thinks you're ready, it's about whether YOU think you're ready. From what you've told me, you've barely taken the first few steps into true self acceptance.
I'm happy for you, I really am. Even if this path takes you right back where you came from. I know men who test the transition waters only to rediscover that they were really men who considered themselves crossdressers. (And there's nothing wrong with that, mind you.) There are also those trans women who began a path similar to your own, crossdressing until they did a little soul searching to the point they realized it was the woman inside who was trying to get out all along.
My point is this: Take your time unless the rush means you HAVE to transition as SOON as possible or you'd be in danger of self harm. Why hit the gas pedal and miss the view? There's a lot to see. Welcome to the ride. God bless.
I'm a counsellor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I don't give diagnoses, but I consider the first hour with a client to be completely an introduction. I would never attempt to make any judgment about the person's condition from that one visit.
We need the diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (yuck) in order to follow the Standards of Care, but I think it's a diagnosis that should be made carefully. After all, it's a differential diagnosis. Health care professionals are supposed to eliminate all other possibilities before concluding that what's left is GID. That's what happened with me. I knew came to realization that I'm transsexual, but I had to convince my therapist and doctor. I did. But they never told me what I was.
However, you wrote that you know you're transsexual. That comes from you, so that I trust more. And your therapist did say that HRT was for whenever you're ready. So it's still up to you. She offered the possibility. A low dose can let you know if it feels right before any physical changes become irreversible. I think she might be jumping the gun a little, but you're in the driver's seat.
Follow your instincts. If you feel you aren't quite ready, then you aren't quite ready. My therapist saw me for three months until she gave me a few referrals for endocrinologists, and a letter to give to them, stating that I was in her care. I don't know if three months is the norm or not, but she held her ground and told me that it's better to take it slow.
I feel it's better to take your time, unless the pain is unbearable and you're a risk to yourself, as Lori said. One naturally *wants* to go faster. After all, why would you want to wait to be yourself? Time is a one-way street. But it's safer and sometimes more enjoyable to experience the journey at a less-than-hectic pace. The journey is half the pleasure, in my opinion.
Transitioning is a process that takes time. You just have to find your own pace. :)
Hi Rebecca, Welcome to the world of blogging! With respect to your conversation with your therapist and any comments/suggestions you may receive from anyone else (mine included) please remember that in transitions, perhaps more so than many other aspects of life, your mileage may vary. The Standards of Care do allow coloring outside the lines at times, but if you find yourself outside of the box I recommend you take a close look at the route you are taking. Sometimes the road less traveled is all the more scenic and is the right one for you. And sometimes it is less traveled because it is full of potholes.
I have a very dear friend who went to her first therapist to discuss gender problems. The therapist tried to get her into the standard route of hormones, RLE, surgery and all the rest. But she came to the realization that that was not the path for her. She is living her life as a non-hormone taking, non-surgical woman and living a very full and mostly happy life. Her path was the less common and there have been some major craters along the way but it works for her.
My personal journey has also strayed outside the lines. I started my therapy knowing I was TS and knowing that I needed to do something really fast. After three therapy sessions I took the reins in my own hands, made a left turn and began self-medicating. My therapist and my physician were somewhat less than enthusiastic to put it mildly. But my relief from the internal anguish was almost instantaneous. I am now being a good girl an am back to coloring inside the lines.
The point of this is that the SOC are not a perfect fit for everyone, but they are well thought out and do fit the 90th percentile. Should you go that route please remember that it is YOUR transition and should have a really good feeling that you know just what direction and path the train is taking you.
Hi Rebecca, I shall follow your journey but refrain from advise since I have always disagreed with the arbitrary set of rules which have been laid down. My path has had me spend years trying to get what you have just been offered, all I can say is that it is you who needs to be sure what you want and low dose HRT can be used as a diagnostic tool. Not everyone can live with the effects.
Good Luck.
Caroline xx
hi, rebecca! You and I are at about the same place on the long road to womanhood so I'll be following your blog with great interest. If you feel that it's too soon for hrt then it probably is since no one is better qualified to make that choice than you. It is awesome that your therapist gave you the green light to begin hrt, other girls have been forced to take matters into their own hands or wait many, many months, even years. BTW, don't worry about the hair, it looks beautiful, as you do! hugz! Dani
Thanks for all the wonderful replies; it helps a great deal to get everyone’s thoughts and comments. It’s also very comforting to know that I’m not alone in my journey and that there are so many wonderful and caring people out there who will support me along the way. Thank you so much.
Rebecca
Lori:
Thanks for the warm welcome and for posting my blog on T-Central.
You’re right that I’ve only recently accepted that this is who I am and allowed myself to feel comfortable with it, so I need to take my time and not rush into anything, but it’s so tempting to go full speed ahead.
I had to laugh at your “and there’s nothing wrong with that” comment; it reminded of a Seinfeld quote!
And no, I’ve never thought of harming myself, so the situation is not that desperate.
Veronique:
I appreciate you sharing your expertise. I thought the same thing, that it was a bit premature to make that kind of diagnosis after only one visit.
I was also expecting that it would take some time for her to understand who I was and that I’d have to convince her that I was transsexual, and was very surprised when that wasn’t the case. I will definitely be asking her about this and talking more with her to understand why she thinks its okay to move this quickly, and how she can have an opinion after only one meeting as to whether or not I’m ready to handle HRT and all that it entails. There are lots of questions that need to be asked, and answered.
Amy:
I know that logically it makes far more sense to take my time and not rush into things; I’ve waited this long so what’s another year or two. But, on the other hand, I have waited my entire life to reach this point and I want to explore who Rebecca is and to grow and live life and make up for all the lost time. It’s sort of like having a Ferrari to drive but only being allowed to go 20 mph! But alas, common sense shall prevail and I will try not to make any hasty decisions.
It took me a long, long time to learn to enjoy the journey and not focus on the destination. I was driving myself nuts when I drew and painted until I finally realized I wasn’t going to paint a masterpiece in one sitting, and to enjoy the creative process. Sometimes I can be a bit dense!
Sophie:
Thanks Sophie! I’m happy to be here!
Thanks for sharing your story and your insights. I’m interested to learn more about the relief you experienced when you started taking hormones. That is the one thing that makes me consider starting now instead of waiting. The chance to potentially find peace of mind and happiness is tough to ignore. And I know that last statement makes it sound like I’m expecting hormones to be the magic cure-all for all that ails me, but I realize that isn’t the case. I know it’s not that simple and that hormones are but one part of the equation. But I also know from reading so many blogs that they do make a difference for some people, so it definitely makes me wonder.
I’ve heard about people like you who color outside of the lines; you’re a menace to society! LOL At least you’re reformed now and toeing the line!
Caroline:
I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult path with getting HRT. Hopefully you’re making progress and you’ll soon be able to start. I’m struggling with whether or not to start on a low does just to see how I feel and to know whether it’s right for me. I know I should wait, but…
Dani:
I’ll be interested in following your journey as well. Are you transitioning yet?
Thanks for the nice compliment, that means a lot. I can’t wait until my own hair is long enough so I don’t have to wear a wig anymore.
Hi Rebecca =)
This post made tears come to my eyes, I guess partly because of the similarities with my story. IMHO that's great that your counselor is ready to start you on HRT but I think like some others have said that YOU above all need to be ready no matter who else is ready.
For me, I was ready a month before my counselor was ready....that was hard but the standards of care are there for a reason too.
I look forward to seeing you blossom into the beautiful woman you were supposed to have been all along!!!! So happy for you =)
I hope you were wearing waterprrof mascara Jerica!
I guess having HRT available to me so soon could be a double-edged sword, so I just need to proceed with caution.
Thank you Jerica, I was really touched reading your last paragraph. I feel like I'm part of this big extended family, and that's a wonderful feeling.
I think you've answered your own question well enough, Rebecca! If the facts are as you report, I'm only thankful "your" therapist didn't find an equally impulsive client (as those on this journey rather to often can be). I wouldn't make her error of jumping to a quick conclusion--but I would do a few more sessions with the question as to whether she was right for me (or simply right) foremost in my mind. Don't grab the first lifeline without gauging its sturdiness--you aren't drowning(!); stay calm, you'll float.
I'm on my 3 and a halfth therapist at this point (some no good generally, some no good for me, and perhaps some no good for me at that particular instant). Now mine is just an enabler--hardly ever see him and he just does what he's told ;) But that's after a few years and much experience under the bridge. Honestly, his unquestioning amenibility would have been wrong for me at the start.
Sorry if that makes the process sound dauntingly lenghty. But, all hopes to the contrary, it just is! In the meantime, I'd get moving on the beard removal, pronto! Trust me--starting that even a full year before HRT will make things much much easier in the long term! Further, the inconvenience, pain and cost are a good "transition-lite" means of testing your commitment.
I'm not strictly saying WAIT! I swear to you that making progress in hair removal (or otherwise) will provide some relief for the stuck feeling. Let the therapist/HRT issues play themselves out for a few months.
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