I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the fact that I need to tell my kids about Rebecca. I have two sons, ages 16 and 19, and they do not know about this part of who I am. It’s getting harder to hide some of the changes from the kids, and I’m tired of having to feel like I need to hide parts of myself from them. And I think it’s better to talk to them instead of letting them notice things and wonder. I haven’t up to now because I felt there was no need, but also because it scares the heck out of me. We’re very close and have a great relationship, and I know they love me and that this won’t change that, but it’s still hard and I’m hesitant to spring this on them and cause them more stress and have more to deal with. I’m probably overly protective because of what they’ve had to deal with in the past with their mother being bi-polar and schizophrenic and not being very involved in their lives. My youngest son is especially sensitive and has had a tough time dealing with everything, and I really worry about how he’ll handle it when I tell him. I’ve put it off long enough and feel like I need to do this, but I’m not sure the best way to go about it. I know I need to tell them some basic things such as I will always love them and that I’m still the same person; that this is nothing they caused and it’s not going to happen to them; that it’s okay for them to feel confused and even upset; that they will always be my number one priority in life and I will never do anything to embarrass them; and that I will always be honest about this and answer all their questions. I’ll also give them the basics about what a transsexual is. I just don’t know how much information to give them at first because I don’t want to overload them anymore than necessary. I’m thinking of maybe giving them each a letter to read and then we can talk, since I’ll probably be a nervous wreck and have trouble putting two coherent thoughts together! So, I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and suggestions, and especially hearing how you all handled this with your kids. I guess this is sort of a Christmas tradition with me since for some reason I felt the need to tell my ex-wife that I was a cross-dresser on the morning of our first Christmas together! But I think I’ll spare my kids and not ruin their Christmas for them! Thanks again and I’ll be eagerly awaiting your replies!
Rebecca
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8 comments:
Rebecca,
Do you know how they react to t-persons in general? Maybe there's a tv program on Discovery Health (Sex Change M to F) or another channel that involves the subject. (Our public library also has a DVD of the program for checkout.) You could guage their reaction to it BEFORE you spring your news on them.
Anyway, just an idea. I will be following your blog on this. Best of luck to you!
Rebecca, I wish you the very best in this. I really would like to share some words of advice on how to work through it, but my circumstances are not your circumstances. For me it turned out to be very much a non-event. To quote my youngest daughter "I think it's cool. Why are you hiding it?". I know very well it does not turn out that way for many (most?).
In general I find that kids have been exposed to much more than you would expect and are more accepting of people who are "different" in some aspect. My kids have grown up in a racially diverse city and know many people who are either gay or lesbian. I can't say that they know any other trans people.
But only you know your kids and can judge how they will react. Mine were full of questions afterward, but I did not feel it necessary to overwhelm them with details during the first conversation. Yours sound as though they are old enough to grasp the concept of "I feel like a woman inside" and what that could mean.
I can imagine how hard it will be to choose the right words. Sophie is right. Today's kids are far more tolerant than my peers were growing up. They're much more open to diversity.
If you have any doubt about how well or thoroughly you will communicate verbally, I think a letter is a much better way to start, or at least have notes prepared so you don't forget something important.
And yes, don't make them associate Christmas with this. Maybe Groundhog Day...
Girl, I hope it goes well for you. I think it's wise to write a letter first because as you said, your thoughts might not be so gathered when trying to talk to them face to face to start out.
I also think it's quite wise to not do it on Christmas. =) I pray that it goes well for you girl. I can't imagine what that would be like as I don't have kids but I can guess it can go very right or very wrong but it has to be done at some point.
*hugs*
~Jerica
There is no real right or wrong time... like everything else you will do on your journey you will know instinctively when the time is right. This is the kind of thing that your therapist should be helping you in planning. It might also make sense to tell the older son first and then your son if you think that your older son can also provide a source of strength.
I have a 15 year old, but he knows nothing about my TG side or my transitioning. I know that eventually he needs to know, and to hear it from me. Sadly, his mother has poisoned the relationship and he wont see me anymore. We do talk on the phone every couple of weeks, but a phone call is not the way to tell him something so important.
Follow your gut is maybe the best advice and course of action. Kids are amazingly resilient, and so far Ive found friends and family has been accepting and supportive. The ex, when she figures it out, well thats another story...
Wishing you luck and success. : )
Hi Rebecca,
I was 53 when I finally realized I'm transgendered. I'm now 54, and over the past year I've been wearing exclusively women's clothes, but only in terms of jeans and sweaters, tops, etc. I have a 15-year-old son, and he's noticed this, but he doesn't necessarily associate it with beings trans or dressing "like a girl." I've asked him a few trial questions, to see how he'd react to the topic in general, and wrote a blog about it that you might find encouraging.
http://danaandra.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-14-year-old-son-and-i-have-plans-to_9242.html
I'm feeling the need to finally tell him, and know that I will soon. My plan is to simply bring it up conversationally. He might even think I'm kidding at first. All I hope is that he doesn't reject me, that he doesn't hate me, that he proves himself to be the boy I wrote about in my blog.
Good luck with you kids. None of this is ever easy.
Dana
xxx
Hi Rebecca,
My experience matches what Stacy said, in that you will feel when the timing is right. I have two children, much younger than yours (5 and 7), and it goes well (it is not over when you say it, more like a begining). I think the most important advise i would give you is to be truthful, never avoid questions and be patient. Like you, i wondered how i could prepare myself. I did (still do) a lot of research to give them the best answer i can. Here below are two great sites, if you do not know them already. In my case, i have to translate all that in French and i am working with the authors to make this available to French trans-parents later this winter on my (fresh) blog.
XX
Jessica
http://www.gires.org.uk/families.php
http://www.colage.org/programs/trans/
A big thank you to everyone for all the wonderful replies. I really appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions and encouragement; it has helped more than you know.
Marie:
The kids have been raised to be open-minded and accepting of people who are different than them, and to judge someone based on who they are as a person and not what they look like. They’re both good kids and I’m confident they’ll handle it well. We haven’t discussed t-people specifically, but it’s come up occasionally when we see things in the newspaper or on tv. I have seen a few shows on Discovery about transgendered people, so that’s a good suggestion to watch it together and discuss it.
Sophie:
I appreciate your thoughts and wisdom. You’re right that every situation is different and there is no “one size fits all” way to do things (unfortunately!). It gives me hope to read that it went so well with your kids. It’s just a big step and it’s kind of scary.
Leslie Ann:
I agree that today’s generation is a lot more open-minded that previous generations, so that’s encouraging. I’m leaning towards going with a letter for them, and will definitely have notes for myself to refer to since I tend to forget things even under the best of circumstances! We didn’t have “the talk” over the holidays. Perhaps April Fool’s day would be an appropriate date!
Jerica:
Thanks for the well wishes! I think it will be okay, but knowing there is even a slight chance that they might not be accepting of this scares the heck out of me. But I’m trying to be optimistic and have faith that it will work out.
Stacey:
I’ve thought about talking to my older son first, and think I might do that. I’m sorry to hear that your ex has made things difficult in your relationship with your son. Hopefully time will heal the wounds and you two will get past this. You’re right about following my instincts and knowing when the time is right. I’m just getting my thoughts together and waiting for the right opportunity and time to talk to them.
Dana:
Thanks for sharing your experiences; that was especially helpful since we’re both in similar situations. I’ve also been wearing women’s jeans and some tops, but my son hasn’t said anything about it, so I’m not sure if he hasn’t noticed or he just isn’t commenting. Your blog entry was definitely encouraging. Sounds like you have a son you can be very proud of. The fear of being rejected by your own kids is a scary thing and something I do worry about, but like you I’m confident my kids will be okay with it and still love me for who I am. Good luck to you too. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping your talk goes well, so let me know how things go.
Jessica:
Thanks for the great advice about being open and honest, and being patient. I really need to keep those things in mind. I’m like you in that I’ve been doing a lot of research so I’m as prepared as possible for my talk. Thanks for the links to those sites; they had a ton of great information and will be very helpful!
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