darkness

Sunday night I told my sons about not having a job after September 30th and they seemed to take the news pretty well. It was tough having to tell them, but it helped that they handled it so well and were optimistic about me finding another job. I know I need to be strong and to be positive for their sake, but it’s not easy since I’ve been feeling really down lately. I feel like I’m getting hit on two different fronts, having to deal with the looming loss of my job and having to deal with how that impacts my ability to continue transitioning. The thought of having to give that up and return to male mode is just too difficult to even think about. The future in general is difficult to contemplate.

Friday night I left to go pick my son up from work and was going around a sharp curve when a car came screaming around the curve coming towards me, and was going so fast that they lost control and crossed over into my lane coming straight towards me. I instinctively swerved out of the way and came to a stop on the side of the road, with my heart beating wildly. But the thing that scared me the most was that for a split second I thought maybe it would be best if I didn’t swerve out of the way.

I read the recent article about Christine Daniels published August 19th by LA Weekly, and it really touched me. It’s so very sad that there is such a steep price to pay for just trying to be ourselves. Why must it be so difficult and painful?