Life goes on...

Thanks to all of you for your heartfelt replies to my last post and for your encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know.

I’m over the initial shock of learning I won’t have a job after the end of September. I’ve stayed busy at work starting the process of wrapping things up and preparing the transfer of work projects to other people. It’s kind of strange in some ways, sort of like planning your own funeral I suppose, but at least it keeps me busy and keeps my mind focused. The worst part of the day is coming to work in the morning. The walk from the parking lot to my building just makes me sad, knowing that in a few weeks I won’t be making that walk anymore, and that I’ll no longer have the daily routine of going to work.

I still haven’t told my sons yet. My youngest starts school tomorrow and I don’t want to drop this on him now and have him worry and start the school year under a lot of stress. I’ll have to tell my oldest son soon because he needs to get some dental work scheduled and taken care of while I still have insurance.

I’ve started looking for jobs and there just isn’t much available in this area. It’s kind of shocking how few jobs there are even compared to just a few months ago. But the main problem is that my work history is composed of a variety of unrelated jobs (Military Policeman, wildland firefighter, environment remediation and cleanup, and office support staff), and a degree that is worthless (general studies). It would be so much easier if I have a degree and work experience in one specific area. I have to admit that I’m not very optimistic about finding another job anytime soon. And the state just announced that there will be more cuts to higher education, so the chances of finding another job here at the university just got slimmer.

I can already tell I’m going to have a hard time dealing with being unemployed. I’ve never been unemployed more than a couple of weeks and have never had to use any type of public assistance. It’s very humiliating and humbling. I already feel like a second-class citizen. The past few mornings on the way to work I’ve watched the other drivers around me, knowing they’re on the way to their jobs, and I wonder how I’m going to feel when I no longer have a job to go to. So much of who we are is defined by the work we do and being able to take care of our families and being a contributing member of society. And soon I will be doing none of those things.

I’ve figured out my finances and I should be able to get by for the next year, but then things get pretty grim. My main concern now is making sure my sons have health insurance. There is no way I can afford the COBRA payments, so I’m having my ex-wife check into seeing if they can be added to her policy. I’m going to have to cancel my therapy appointments and my upcoming appointment with the endocrinologist in October, and cancel some minor surgery I was planning for later this year.

I feel like its sort of pointless now to continue transitioning. I can still afford to continue with HRT, but without any hope of getting laser and electrolysis for my facial hair, and a tracheal shave to get rid of my big adams apple, what hope do I have of ever being able to be even remotely passable? I know there is more to it than just looks and being passable, but what kind of life could I expect under those circumstances? And I have no hope for having GRS. As of now I’m continuing with HRT, but it just seems sort of pointless. I’m just really discouraged about this. It seems so ironic that after 48 years I finally accept who I am and start moving forward towards living the life I need to live where I can finally be myself, and now it’s all taken away.

I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and be optimistic that things will work out, but it’s not easy. I can feel the depression creeping back in. My only purpose in life the past ten years has been to provide a home for my sons and to take care of them and get them through high school. And now it appears that I’m not going to be able to do that for my youngest son, and I’m having a tough time dealing with that. I feel like I’ve failed my kids. I know it’s pointless, but it’s hard not to dwell on all the bad choices I’ve made over the course of my life that have ultimately caused me to end up in this position. But unfortunately there is no going back and correcting past mistakes in life. I guess the one positive that can come from this is that I can use myself as an example of what not to do to show my kids the end result of making poor choices and not thinking about long-term plans and goals, and to demonstrate the importance of getting a good education.

This is my worst nightmare come true. I could deal with it a lot better if it was just me, but it kills me that it also affects my sons. They’ve deserved a better life than they’ve had growing up

Several of you have commented on the timing of me losing my job shortly after telling my so-called friend who works at the university about being ts. I’ve also wondered about that. I would have never thought she was capable of doing something like that, but now I’m not so sure. But it’s sort of a moot point now. In a strange twist of fate I had to contact her because she works in the benefits office and I obviously will need to meet with them at some point in the coming weeks. I thought it would be a lot less awkward to e-mail her than to talk on the phone, so I sent her a short message explaining the situation and asking for her help in directing me to the right person. I got a reply that was obviously the standard cut and paste reply, with no acknowledgement that she even knew me, let alone even a simple “sorry to hear that”. I hate to admit that her coldness hurt, and I hate myself for letting her get to me again. It amazes me that she could be so cold-hearted and uncaring. I composed a message to her, but on the advice of a friend I didn’t send it. I know there was nothing to gain by sending it, but I really wanted to.

So, life goes on, such as it is.

Rebecca