Monday, August 2, 2010
The loss of a friendship
This is a follow up to my last post about telling a friend that I was ts and her lukewarm reaction to it. I still hadn’t heard from her by Friday afternoon, so I sent her a short e-mail telling her that I was sorry she was having such a tough time dealing with my news and that I was a bit saddened that it apparently was going to affect our friendship. Her reply was “I don’t understand any of this and you most likely will not hear from me again”. I was stunned by her reply because I considered her a good friend and I never thought she would be so willing to just throw away our friendship. She apparently didn’t feel I was worth making the effort to work through this and trying to understand it better to save our friendship. I guess she wasn’t the friend I thought she was. I know this doesn’t compare to someone being disowned by their family, but this really hurt me. In spite of my best efforts not to shed a single tear at her expense I did cry on the way home. Friday night was a tough one for me. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind occupied, but that didn’t help much. I spent the evening cooking, and made cheddar and bacon twice baked potatoes, and had those along with some Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream. I started writing her a letter Friday night letting her know how much she hurt me and giving her a piece of my mind, but in the end I felt there was nothing to be accomplished by doing that. I gradually felt better over the weekend, and today I feel like I’ve started to put it behind me and move on. The worst part is that this is going to make it that much harder for me to come out to anyone else after having been hurt by her.
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7 comments:
To me her reply shows the true nature of her as the lowest form of a human being. That simple 1 line response shows a complete lack of any caring about anyone at all. Any decent human being would have at least given some reservations and more details about their own confusion and certainly would have been much more graceful in their exit than she was.
Nobody has the right to pass judgment on any other human being for their personal struggles.
She is a poor excuse for a human being. Maybe someone will return the favor to her in her time of need.
I'm sorry to hear this. It's horrible to go out on a limb like that only to get that kind of response. She owed you more and you deserve more but you did the right thing in telling her. You were being honest. That's always the high road.
I think you're wise in letting it drop and not writing a follow-up letter and if you do I would make sure it is friendly. But of course, who knows how she would react to that even? And since you work for the same company, it might be best to let it go.
As for coming out to others I have a friend who is transitioning and of all the people he told (he is a f2m) there is only one that had a negative reaction. The others were positive or lukewarm, but in coming out, he has been able to build even stronger relationships with others because he does not have to hide who he is any more.
Hang in there...sounds like you are doing better with it.
Rebecca, sorry that you drew the short straw first. I am still waiting for someone to react like that but everyone has been so supportive so far and I am sure you will find more open hearted people when you try next. It is just possible that she held some image of you as a desirable male and that illusion was shattered or she just may have a closed mind, others out there will be more sympathetic.
Caroline xxx
"She apparently didn’t feel I was worth making the effort to work through this and trying to understand it better to save our friendship."
Girl, do not ever say, feel or think that. Your worth as a person has no connection to another's ability to assimilate and accept the changes going on in your life. There are going to be people who simply refuse to accept the reality and depth of what we go through. And others that are incapable of it.
Before I came out I realized that the only people I truly cared about whether they accepted me were my kids and my mother. Anyone else would be icing on the cake. It's unfortunate that I no longer have any sort of relationship with most of my earlier friends and my inlaws, but that is a reflection on their small-mindedness and not on my self worth.
Getting through my transition was the most important part. I didn't need all that icing to survive, my blood sugar is too high anyway.
That really sucks. The good news is that not everyone is like that. The bad news is that there are plenty of people who ARE like that. Welcome to the minefield.
Oh, I think it's high time we had lunch again, don't you?
Maybe she was in love or attracted to the male you. As we do this we will loose some of our past but make a new future, friends included.
All good comments. I do wonder if there was a romantic relationship in the back of her mind. But, I also wonder if her deeply religious convictions may have something to do with it.
Either way, she was not a good friend and it would appear that you have lost nothing, Rebecca.
Just hold your head high and keep on doing what you're doing. You are a sweet person and there will be many out there who will support your journey.
Calie xxx
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