Decisions…decisions…

I’ve found several jobs to apply for which look promising and which I think I’d enjoy, but I’m sort of conflicted because they’re jobs working with patients and families at the university hospital and I’m almost certain that I’d have to cut my hair, and that transitioning on the job would not be an option. I know that at this point I can’t afford to be too choosey and that my main priority is getting a job, but I fear that it will come down to having to choose between accepting a job and continuing to transition. Obviously I need to have a job in order to take care of my kids and to make sure we have a roof over our heads, but the thought of having to abandon my transition is tough to think about. I know there is more to it than simply the length of my hair or the clothes I wear, but I fear that if I start losing ground and having to make concessions that it will be very difficult to move forward again, and that I’ll once again be stuck living a life that is a lie. I’ve spent my whole life putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own, and it appears that will be the case once more. I don’t know if I can do that again. So many difficult choices will have to be made. But to be honest, when it comes down to it, I know what I’ll do. I’ll be a good soldier and do what needs to be done. I wonder if I’ll ever have the opportunity to really be myself and discover who I am, or if that luxury just isn’t meant to be.